Hello again, Blogger. What a lovely surprise; in that after all these years, we are finally reuniting so that I can once again post all my mindless rants... Sarcasm doesn't really translate well in words, no? I'm not in the greatest of moods, and that is when I get sarcastic and snarky. But fear not! This is when all the dramatic and dark ramblings start manifesting itself in my head. I'm in a very artistic mood, I might add.

What is the source of all this unpleasantness, you ask? I have just experienced my worst week in university life. Everything just caught up to me, and not in a good way. First the showcase, then the auditions, then my mid-terms. What makes it even more depressing, is that my procrastination and over-confidence once again pulled me down. Pulled down any tinge of accomplishment; capsized any possibility of ascendancy. That's how I feel right now; Despaired. I'm falling... I'm falling.

I was literally arm-twisted into joining an arts festival two states away, at the last minute. Now, I don't blame them, because it was an amazing experience. It was fun getting to know the juniors, and hanging out with my mates. It was even fun getting to know the dance club better. I feel like we've crossed that boundary that's been between us singers and them dancers. Even though the performance was troubled, we came out of it all stronger. Believe me.

T'was the aftertaste that stung; like sweet vodka. Taking out a 5 days of my time for an arts festival is no new thing. But using up 5 days of precious revision time irked me. What's more when I'm left with 2 days to study for a major mid-term. A major mid-term that I know I've successfully flunked. I've never done this badly in an exam before, and any possibility of grabbing that shining A for Biochemistry has gone down the drain. I know my own limits and abilities. No matter what impression others might have on me, I'm no genius. I need sufficient time to study, and I don't like studying. Last minute revising only works well for me when I know my material and I've missed a handful of lectures already.

All of this, on top of a vocal audition, really hit the mark. I don't even feign to comprehend how I had the audacity to walk into an audition with no warm up, no preparation whatsoever and no song choice. I know I've left a bad impression and I have regrets; but I had no time left, and studying was taking up 90% of the free time I had left. I know I shouldn't have chosen such a high key when I'm not warmed up. I know I shouldn't have chosen such an obscure song that had such wide variations in tempo. It only gave them the impression that my tempo was off. I'm not a pop singer. I'm a classically trained vocalist. I can deal with soul, with jazz, with indie, with. But to sing pop is another thing altogether.

Know this though; I'm not creating excuses. I know I can sing. I know I have soul. I know the problems I have with my voice, especially when I'm not prepared and not warmed up, and they caught on and pointed it out. I'm not conceited. But to see people who have less musicality than you do pass in, it makes me really question my abilities. Don't get me wrong though. To see my friends who can sing but aren't as confident get in, that makes me very happy; even happier than getting it myself. Guess this just proves that talent can only bring you this far. I can't believe this is what I've been telling the juniors this whole semester, and yet at this moment, contradict myself. Maybe this is just one of His trials for me. To show me what's important. To ground my sometimes-inflated ego.

But now, looking back at everything... Do you know what the saddest thing of it all is? I let it all affect me this way. I let it bring me down; pummel me to the ground. I let it turn me into this bitter, conceited person. I know I'm not expected to be smiling, but I'm thankful. Thankful for all I have. I know, I'm lucky. I know that others have worse problems. I know I should be counting my blessings. Who am I to dwell on such fiscal issues when the world has much bigger problems to solve? Who am I?

I'm like a caged bird, waiting for the chance to fly. I might not be able to ascend to the clouds yet, but I still have my voice; I still have soul. No matter how battered, no matter how torn... I'm still looking up. I'm still looking up.